Often through my teenage years my mom would use the phrase, “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.”
There are several references in the Bible to the tone of voice.
Job 37:5 - God thundered marvelously with his voice; great things doeth he, which we cannot comprehend.
Psalm 32:11 - Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright.
Psalm 41:7 - All that hate me whisper together against me: against me do they devise my hurt.
Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turners away wrath but grievous words stir up anger.
Matthew 27:50 - Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. John 11:43 - And when he thus had spoken, he (Jesus) cried with a loud voice, Lazarus come forth.
There is a truth in each of these verses that may not be able to be explained in detail today other than to suffice to say that what you say and how you say it matters.
But in specific reference to tone of voice, I regularly find myself using the same phrase my mom used with me, with my own children. Often when I have asked this question I have to give pause and think about how I was just talking. Many times my children’s response is in direct relation to the tone in which I was speaking to them. This can apply to adult conversations as well. When someone approaches you do you listen to what they are saying or are you already formulating your answer of anger, defense, or explanation based on the tone of their voice? Often if we will listen and respond with the soft answer most situations will be diffused.
In my school classroom, of 1st and 2nd graders, my number one rule is “Be Kind.” I once heard a preacher say that when disciplining his children he would often ask them “Was it (whatever the action was) kind?” Many times that will solve a myriad of problems because what was said or done was not done in kind. I have tried to apply this in my classroom and in my own household. Ephesians 4:32 - “Be ye kind one to another...” there is no justification clause, just a command to be kind.
To this day as “it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it” echos through my mind in various conversations, usually when it is getting heated, I will pause and think how am I communicating? Is it in kindness with a soft answer? Then I will adjust how the conversation is going. Does this work all the time - NOPE - I have yelled, I have been angry, I have cried, I have spoken harshly. In the end, we must realize it is our responsibility for each word and the tone of each word in which we communicate with others and sometimes an apology must be given for our poor conversation.
So as you go throughout your day remember to think about how you are speaking just as much as what you are speaking. So many of life situations can be handled so much better if
we guard our mouth and how we communicate with others. Psalm 141:3 - Set a watch (guard), O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.