The morning Amy asked me to write a devotional for today was exactly one year

to the day of our fire, when our family lost everything. I had dreaded that day for

weeks, but the Lord knew I needed to wake up to something fresh on my mind

and I’m incredibly humbled and I felt so loved.

As, I tried to prepare for this devotional these last few weeks, Satan has worked

so very very hard to muddle my mind and heart. And, I know that I’m not the only

one this has happened to. So, I pray this is a blessing as it has spoken to my heart

first.

Living for the Lord is hard. It’s worth it in every sense of the word. It’s rewarding.

Its blessings outweigh anything we could ever imagine, but it can be messy at

times and truth be told, it can be traumatic. It can also stretch us beyond what we

can think humanly possible. It can be exhausting. It can be demanding. But on the

complete opposite end of the spectrum, it can be Beautiful, and Amazing, and

Wonderful! Living for the Lord can be a rollercoaster. And, if we quit, we will

surely miss the best of the best! `

My last devotional I wrote for here, was about our fire, and this time I will include

that, but only just a little bit. But when preparing for this devotional, the Lord had

to speak to me about a few things. And, He had to let me reflect on My living for

the Lord. And, as much as I tried to prepare these last few weeks, as I said, Satan

had a great hold on me. I tried hard to find exactly what the Lord wanted me to

write about, and nothing was coming! A complete blank! How could that be?

What was I going to do? And I knew why? But was there to be any resolve to the

oppression that I felt? In the last few days, I had to look deep inside, and I had to

do some serious work on myself, and I had to make some decisions that I had

been putting off for some time! I had to release myself from some things and I

had to place some boundaries in areas that were needed. We had to make some

changes that affected our family in a major way, because if not, I was going to

break. I was nearly at the end of my rope in this one area. No, I wasn’t going to

leave the ministry or my family, but it was a serious matter. And it needed to be

taken care of for a long time and we kept putting band aids on it for some time

and those band aids weren’t holding anymore! The wounds were just too deep,

and they needed to be taken care of once and for all! So, that’s what we did as a

family this week. And, when we did, the weight that was lifted was amazing! And

now, I can hear the Lord speaking to me, and through me and I am praising Him

for obedience.

Now I want to make myself clear from the start; you don’t have to be in the

ministry to live for the Lord. To follow the Lord fully, being a Christian in all

aspects of your life, means not giving up on Him when it gets hard. It’s just like in

a marriage. Now, of course, I’m not referring to a bad marriage with abuse. But

marriage can be taxing, and hard, but we don’t just give up. We’re committed to

that spouse for sickness and in health for better or for worse. And, when we are a

Christian, we love the Lord with our whole being. And it does get tough.

My husband and I have been married for 29 years this last June. We met in Bible

college, and when we got married, we thought things were going to be just

perfect. We imagined we would go work for a preacher for a few years and then

build our own church or take a church and then the Lord will just bless it and

things will be roses. Because, after all, we love the Lord and what else is supposed

to happen? Boy did we have a lot to learn about life! We still had some college to

finish up and since we were married and not in the dorms, we had other bills, like

adults do. Haha! And being that we were just kids, we really never had anybody

teach us how to manage our money, so that was not our best skill. And I know we

weren’t the only ones… some of you can relate, if you’re reading this and will be

honest. (Which I really wish there’d be a class in college, for young people, to

learn to manage money, budget, banking and even learn how credit works. Hint,

hint! My heart breaks for young people, today going out into the world not

knowing these and falling like some of us did.) But, moving on... you get the idea.

Soon after we were married, and I do mean soon, maybe a few months, I realized

that I was expecting. And we experienced our first heartbreak. While out

gathering the bus children on Sunday morning I lost our baby early in my

pregnancy. We were so heartbroken and felt so alone. We lived far from family,

and so we felt like we were suffering alone. These were the times that I wished

for my momma. But I stayed in bed for 3 days crying and I felt guilt beyond

measure. The reason for my guilt was because when we first found out, we

weren’t excited right away. We were immediately nervous and afraid because we

didn’t have insurance and we were just so young we didn’t have anyone to give us

any advice about anything. And there wasn’t google back then. Haha, and we

again, just didn’t have anyone to go to, to ask. So, we prayed until the Lord gave

us peace. And the Lord just seemed to tell me to name my baby and so I did. Her

name is Tabitha and having done that seemed to give me the peace that I needed

to be able to carry on. He’s such a good, good Father.

We were married 4 years before we had our baby girl. And I wouldn’t trade that

time alone with my hubby for the world! I love that we were able to go off on our

own in the middle of the night to see the lights of Chicago. And take weekend

jaunts just whenever we wanted to, without trying to find a babysitter. We had

dates on a whim. And we were able to really get to know each other. I remember

Bro. Hyles saying that there was a major transition period when you get married

and also when you have children, and you need to be careful during those times.

Well, we took our time with both. And I will forever be grateful for what we did.

We had picnics in the middle of the day, and when we didn’t have money for

dates we would just go off to Barnes and Nobles and just push two of the big

comfy chairs together and sit there with books and just enjoy the time. And, then

when we did have our baby, she was so so beautiful, but she was colicky. Oh my

goodness! I know a lot of you know what that is like. All of you, are right now

shaking your head up and down and rolling your eyes! Wow! That was a long 3

almost 4 months! And, not only did we have to deal with that but she also at one

point had Thrush and Staph and a yYeast infection all at once and I was beyond

myself! And when she was no longer able to nurse because of me, and I will spare

you those details, she was intolerant to most all of the baby formulas on the

market! And, when I mean intolerant, I mean she was projectile vomiting! Haha!

Ok, enough visualizing... It took a long time to figure out what to feed our sweet

baby girl, but we finally got it.

A year later, we just weren’t gaining ground and we decided that we needed to

move closer to my husband’s parents in hopes of returning when we could gain a

better hold on our finances. Hmmm... But the Lord had other plans for us. Or

maybe He made other plans for us. Whatever the case, we were there in South

Carolina for 8 years. And we truly loved it there, but it wasn’t what we knew the

Lord had for us forever. We knew that He wanted my husband to Pastor, but

when? While we were down there, we helped start a church. We helped that

church start their children ministries. And, then the Pastor of that church, one

day, just closed the doors forever! He was young, and it was his first church, and

he didn’t see it grow as quickly as he thought it should have, which still boggles

my brain. Haha. There was about 6 families there. So, we were left to figure out

where we were going to go to church next. It was just pulled right out from under

us. And it was painful! My husband would have gladly taken it for him if he would

have asked him, but he didn’t, and he was the Associate pastor there. And, they

didn’t even have bad blood between them. Just very strange. But it was a learning

experience, a tough one. We hurt for a while, and we felt like we were left to

wander in a big wilderness. I mean really there are literally churches on every

corner there. But, to find the right one? That’s a tough one. And, we wanted to

serve, if we could. We had been waiting for the Lord to show us where He wanted

us to serve Him and we had been looking not just sitting and waiting. We called

around, put in many resumes for churches, and he even candidated at several as

well. But none seemed to want us. While we were down there, my beautiful son

was born. And he wasn’t nearly as hard a baby. Praise the Lord! He was my easy

baby!

Thirteen years into our marriage, finally, we got a call that a church wanted my

husband to come and candidate for them. And we went to Pennsylvania and my

husband preached and this little country church with just 2 families wanted us!

And, so our ministry as far as my husband Pastoring, started. We had already

been in the ministry. We had been serving in a church there in South Carolina as

the children’s church leaders, my husband as the Children’s church Pastor, and I a

teacher. But, finally, after 13 years of waiting, God finally placed us where He

wanted us! That was a long wait! Many times, we prayed, “Lord, you haven’t

forgotten us, have you?” But, no He hadn’t.

If you have been in the ministry, you remember your first. You have such high

hopes. You’re so excited. You think of how it’s going to be amazing, and perfect!

But it’s never that way is it? It wasn’t awful, but it was by no means perfect. I can

look back and there were more precious times than bad, truly. I have so many

sweet, sweet memories of those days. The people were absolutely precious. But

there were times we butt heads, Lol! And there were times we had to reprimand.

And there were times that we had people leave the church because of things that

were just utterly ridiculous! And there were injustices done to our family, as well.

But we saw souls saved and we got to see lives changed in those years we were

there. And, we had true revivals. And hearts were stirred. I was able to lead my

sister to the Lord while we were there! And we saw our children grow up in that

home. But then we had to make a really hard decision after being there for 8

years, and the church wasn’t growing, and the people that were there were the

same 2 families that we started with, because the ones that we brought in, left,

over and over again. We decided to not just close the doors, but we merged our

church with another good church in the next town. And, in doing so, we handed

that church over to that Pastor… Now what? We were once again, in the

Associate Pastor position. And my poor husband. As much as we knew this was

what the Lord wanted for the church, it was not what the Lord had for our family

forever. He was miserable to say the least! I think we all were. And, it wasn’t

because of anything exactly, just that when you know what God’s calling for your

life is, no matter how hard it is, you know that’s all you want to do, no matter

what.

So, we again, started putting resumes out to churches. And it was about a year

later we decided to go on a vacation to Maine. We had never been to Maine

before, but we had friends who knew of a church who held a camp meeting that

had 5 th wheels and they used them for preachers during that time and just maybe

they would let us use them for vacation. Well, sure enough they did! And they

were incredibly gracious to us! What an amazing 2 weeks it was! And we fell in

love with this state and the people! When we came home, everyone told us that

we were going to end up in Maine, and we told them that that would be amazing,

but no, that would be for sure our flesh. LOL! God again, had other plans. Because

a few months later we got a call that there was a church that was interested in

our resume that my husband had sent to them from Maine. I was like, “let’s go!”

Even if they don’t want us, at least we get to go back! Yay! So, we came back and

what?? They voted us in! Wonderful! We were so excited!

Well, things were going great for about a year, maybe. And, then it didn’t. We

were so excited! We were going soulwinning and leading folks to the Lord.

Bringing lots of children and families in and we thought things were exciting. But

apparently, it was going a little too good for some. Haha! And, well, some of you

are probably already shaking your head understanding where this is heading. I’m

not going to go into the real ugly of it all, except that my thought that “everybody

loves us!” just wasn’t so. That bubble just burst right in our faces. And, we were

voted out of that church, and left homeless, and my husband had to find a job

really quick because now we had to find a place to live, and we knew we would

now have to pay rent and utilities along with all of our other bills. We were

already paying utilities just not rent. And, my business was going well, but we

didn’t know what we were in for.

And now, I am going to get really serious here. When this happened to us, I took

this really really hard. And I am going to be very transparent because I want to

be a help to whoever needs it. I had past trauma in my life as a child. I had no

control over it. I couldn’t prevent it from happening, and for years, I learned to

mask it! It was my “cover.” Nobody knew and I could shield myself from that pain,

and because of that mask, I could tell myself that I was healed from it, but in all

reality, I was hiding behind it. And, my mask was just filling up, and this last

betrayal, thew me overboard! I thought that I was safe! I literally felt like

everyone loved us! Haha! Who wouldn’t love us? We were kind to everyone. We

really tried hard not to offend anyone. We were doing everything we knew how

to do right. But these people didn’t want a Pastor-led church, so they were

looking for reasons to not like us, and they were the ones who voted us in. But,

when they saw that my husband was a leader, they didn’t like that. So, they told

him that they were praying that he would leave. And they would do really mean

things to us. And, again, I won’t go into all the ugly, because I know those of you

who have been there have your own stories, so you get it. But this betrayal threw

me for a loop, I wasn’t expecting, and I lost it all! And that means that I never

thought that I had trouble with anxiety or depression before, but… now, I went

from having daily devotions live online, for other ladies, and going live with my

business online 3 times a week and having a very successful business with almost

400 ladies on my team, to not being able to show my face anywhere! Having

panic attacks when I go to the grocery stores. Not wanting to see anyone I know.

Not wanting to leave the house at all. Wanting to stay in bed. And crying at the

drop of a hat. Panic attacks were a norm and I had to start counselling and

medication to control them and learn coping skills. It took me almost 4 years to

get to the point that I could actually go into my jewelry room again without

having an anxiety attack. And that was because I felt such deep betrayal by this

one couple at this church. They wronged us so badly. And also because they left

us homeless and that left me feeling insecure and because I had untreated

trauma from my past! What a boatload of muck! And, I had to heal. And, I had to

do some serious work on myself! And, it has been a long hard road! My husband

has been AMAZING through all of that! He has been absolutely supportive. And,

years ago, we had such a different stand on outside counselling and meds, but,

until you go through “stuff” and you realize the necessity and the desperation,

then you realize some things have to change. And, we had to seek the Lord and

figure it out for ourselves. And I’m so grateful, because I was so broken. And the

Lord needed to still use me. And I needed to heal. The Lord directed me to an

amazing Godly Christian Counselor, and I absolutely love her. She has helped me

so much in my healing process. And, to sum this part of our journey in the

ministry, or in living for the Lord, I would like to just emphasize this, if you do

have some past trauma that you are masking like I did for so many years, you’re

not doing right by yourself by hiding behind it. It’s only a band aid that will

eventually wear out, and when it does, you will break too. And it’s not pretty. It

took me almost 4 years to heal. I can’t get that time back. My business suffered

from it, I’m practically starting all over again, but that’s ok. And, my health has

suffered, but we’re working on that as well. But don’t wait, recognize it and do

something about it now, before something else comes along and breaks that

band aid. Moving on..

During that time of healing there were multiple other things along the way. Some

were victories, some were valleys. As soon as we got voted out, we had to find a

place to live, and the Lord provided, and we were so grateful! We immediately

started our own church! And we named it The Healing Stream Baptist Church! We

named it because we felt it was so appropriate, for so many that need healing!

And so we established our church and it was going great! And we saw more saved

and baptized. More were coming to our church. Things were going great!

But, in the meantime, our son was growing further and further away from the

Lord. And that was and is one of our greatest heartbreaks. He has seen all of the

good, bad and the ugly in the ministry. And now he is an adult and he is choosing

his own way. And it’s far from our way. And our nurturing and our main job of

training him up in the Lord is done, and now we have given him back to the Lord

and now our job is easy and yet hard but mostly easy. We get to love him and

pray for him. And we can do that so easily! God has the hard part now. But that

has been hard for us.

Two years ago, my daughter got married to the most precious young man! And I

am so grateful that the Lord chose him for her! He’s just perfect for her! And fits

in our family wonderfully! And, what a beautiful wedding it was! But it didn’t

come without a major bump either! Two days before, my husband and I were in a

major car accident when we were down there getting a few things for the

wedding. It was late and a man that was intoxicated driving 120mph drove his car

into the rearend of the SUV that we were driving! And we spun that vehicle

around 3 times hitting the concrete barrier everytime! I’m not really sure how,

but by the Lord’s hand of protection, we didn’t get hurt worse, but I tore my

rotator cuff so badly holding onto the dashboard handle that the surgeon said I

won a world record! Haha! It still hasn’t healed, and I was told it never will heal

100%, and I will forever have pain, but it’s ok. I don’t say that out of sympathy,

just to continue with my “ups and downs” of living for the Lord.

And, in that time, I lost my Daddy, and that was really difficult. I had the privilege

to lead my Daddy to the Lord when I was in college over the phone, after sending

him a letter, pouring my heart out to him telling him about his need for salvation.

I remember the days of literally running to an empty classroom to just pray on my

knees for him to be saved. And, then the day that he accepted Christ as his Savior,

I ran in the halls of college telling everyone I saw, that I just led my Daddy to the

Lord! I was so excited! And I was very shy then. So, this was not my usual thing to

do. My Daddy used to have a nickname for me, it was “Mean,” that’s right, Mean.

It was something that my brother actually gave me, and it stuck. My Daddy used

to call me Punkin, but one day when he had picked us up, (my parents were

divorced, so this was one of his visits) I told him that I was too old to be called

Punkin… Silly me. And so, he asked me what I wanted to be called? My brother

piped up and said “Call her mean because she’s mean!” Well, my Daddy thought

that was funny and started calling me Mean that day and it just stuck! And, if he

called me by my rightful name, I knew I was in trouble!!! LOL! It was Christmas

Eve, the best we can tell, the day he died, he had laid there for 3 days before they

found him. That makes me sad to think about. But he didn’t want anyone to call

him. He made that clear to everyone. He wanted to be alone. And so, we all

respected his wishes. It was his first year without his wife, and so we wanted to

let him have what he wanted, even though we did try to persuade him differently,

he was a bit stubborn. But we loved him and miss him dearly. But I rest in the

promise that he is in Heaven now.

I inherited his precious pugs. And I loved them so dearly. They became my close

companions. And only this year did I lose them. They were both old puppers, but

truly the best! April, I lost my Bella, she was unexpected. I was away moving my

mom from the state of Indiana to bring her to Maine when she started having

seizures and we found out she had massive tumors that she couldn’t recover

from. I took her passing so hard. She absolutely wouldn’t leave my side, no matter

where I went. She was the best girl! I miss her so so much. And this past week I

lost my Buddy. He was a special boy. He was my snuggle bug! He was disabled. He

had pug myelopathy and it just showed up a couple months after we got him. I’m

thankful for that because my dad had a prosthetic leg, and he wouldn’t have been

able to care for him like he needed to be cared for. So, I’m not sure what he

would have had to do. I know it would have broken his heart to get rid of him. .

But Buddy needed his diaper changed and bathed daily like a baby and fed

differently all because of his disability and he definitely didn’t like to be out of my

sight even if it was just in the other room! He was momma’s boy! We knew that

Buddy was going to pass one day because of his disability but we didn’t know

when, so we just took care of him and loved him to the fullest and when he got

sick we tried our best to get him well, and sometimes we were able to get him

well, but this last time, it came on too fast and he just didn’t get better. I think his

organs were all paralyzing which is what the vet told us would eventually happen.

And so I miss him so much. I miss taking care of him. They were absolutely

wonderful for me during my healing! I needed them so much, and I’m so glad I

had them. I miss them so so much. And my heart aches for them now. I hope to

be able to get another pug one day soon. They are truly the absolute best in my

opinion! LOL!

And there were more ups and downs that I’m sure I’m missing, but I’m going to

skip ahead. Just the time that I felt like I was healed emotionally, and I was ready

to go back to work, we had our fire! And we lost everything! And I sit back

sometimes and I think uhh why? I mean Lord, you could have taken that away

when it didn’t matter as much. Cause I was ready to go back to work now and this

happens?? That doesn’t quite make sense. And not just my jewelry but

everything! EVERYTHING! And, I’m not saying that we are good Christians or

anything like that, but some might think ummm when is enough is enough? When

is it a deal breaker? So, like... I was emotionally broken from past trauma from a

child, and then broken again from the betrayal from the ugliness that the couple

from that church did to us and left us homeless, and it took me FOREVER to heal

from all of that for what??.. to have everything stripped from us and be left

homeless again?? Uhh what are you doing Lord??? Is this a test of Faith? I don’t

like it! I just don’t like it! But I’m still not giving up. I’m not saying that I’m not

going to yell at you. Cause uhh, let me tell you ladies, I have a pretty boat landing

near us that has heard me do some pretty fine yelling at the Lord in those first

couple months!!! Haha! And I’m ok with that! Because He can handle it! I would

yell and cry out to God, and he heard my cry, along with the birds and fish and

moose and anyone else in earshot... lol! And then I would just weep and then I

would listen to a sermon, get my heart right, and then I would pray and repent

and end with singing and I would leave in a much better state than when I got

there! And then and only then would It be well with my soul!!! But there was

another valley, and to be honest, we are only a year and a couple months from

that fire, and we still haven’t totally recovered from it. The financial devastation is

immense! It’s hard to put into words how it is. But, to even begin to regain back a

portion of what is lost costs a lot. It’s because life doesn’t stop for you to catch

up. You still have your current bills, and you still have to live. And, then you think

of everything you used to have, and you find yourself wanting and needing and

yet doing without. You weigh everything out what is more important for now,

what can wait. And what can we get help with. And we have had some amazing

help, praise the lord! And some of the things we have are Amazing, and I would

never have had them if it weren’t for the fire, but I wish we wouldn’t have had to

have the fire. But this is still something that we are recovering from. We have had

to move 3 times since that fire. We moved right into our bonus daughter’s house

that night and stayed for two and a half months, and that was tough, my husband

and I were right in the living room as everyone walked by! No privacy at all. My

daughter and son-in-law were with the children upstairs and again, no privacy at

all! And my son slept in a tent outside the whole time! What a time! And, when

we wore that welcome out... lol! Not totally but it was getting tough with 10

people in a two-bedroom one bathroom house, we found a house that was big,

and the rent seemed perfect. But what we didn’t know was that it had something

crazy going on with the electric! We spent all winter paying over between $800

and $1000 for electricity every month! I kept saying we were paying for electricity

for the Taj Ma Hal!

We were hoping to only stay there till April and then find a house to buy, but that

didn’t happen because all of our money was sucked out of us through the winter.

Not only were we paying for the electricity, but we also had to pay for coal as

well, because we needed heat too. And the coal didn’t even keep the house

heated all the way through, so it was awful with our money. And our plans of

getting a house diminished! The landlord soon decided he wanted to sell the

house earlier than expected and gave us 30 days to leave and we were left to

scramble to find yet another place to live. And again, that feeling of homelessness

rose up within me! Sheesh will this ever end??? But the Lord knew, and He had a

plan. And, while my husband was at work, he was speaking with a Christian

gentleman and asked him to pray about our situation and he mentioned that he

had a neighbor that had a small house that she was renting out next to his that

was ready to be rented now, and we could come and look at it if we wanted! And,

when my husband told me I was like let’s go! And it was small but I was like, we’ll

take it! The price was absolutely perfect, and the landlady is amazing! She loves

us and she will let us do anything for the property that we want and take

everything we do to upgrade the house, off the rent or reimburse us for it! Wow!

But it is tiny! 90% of all of our belongings are in storage right now! We live in a

very small log cabin! But it’s cute and quaint. And, for now it’s perfect and we are

making do.

Now, another thing that our fire and our last move has created is a lack of space

for our church. We were meeting in our home. And I just emphasized the fact that

our home now is very small. We don’t have the room for people to meet. Our

living room is not big enough to hold services, so we have no choice but to go out

and look for a meeting place. And He moved us near town. Which is a better

location. I believe that without a doubt the Lord isn’t finished with us here where

we are. And I know that He has a plan. He has tested our faith multiple times and I

hope we have passed. We’re still here and we haven’t given up. And, right now,

we are more committed than ever before! Our hearts are burning to get our

church started with a building and to fill that building! And, to get more laborers

to help us build this church! We’re super excited! We have a story to tell.

It makes me think of Abraham and Sarah and all that they went through and their

devotion to the Lord to follow Him! They were committed to serve the Lord no

matter what happened in their lives. They had a lot of mountains and valleys too.

I’m not saying we are anywhere near as good as Christians as they were but, I can

learn from them!

In the “Bliss” of their marriage, God told them to move away from their country

and from their family and find the land that he had for him, and He will make of

him a great nation and will bless him and make his name great and he will be a

blessing. It sounds wonderful! How exciting to start their life off that way! And,

then there was a famine! And so what did Abram decide to do? Go down into

Egypt! Now if you have been in church for any length of time, you know that that

is never a good thing. But who knows maybe it will be good? After all, they are

young, and they didn’t know too much yet. But he obviously knew how rough a

place Egypt was, because of the very next thing he asked his wife to do for him!

He asked her to lie for him. I was trying to imagine how the conversation might

have gone, but I’m thinking something like. “You’re beautiful my wife, and I know

they are going to kill me because of that, just so they can have you. How about

you tell them I’m your brother. I mean it’s not a full lie, it’s just a half-truth! And,

that way we will both come out of this alive! Hmmm… Well, the princes did of

course, see she was beautiful, and of course did take her, but they were very

honorable and gave him gifts in exchange for her. Well, that didn’t last long,

because the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with more than one plague, all

because of Sarai! And He figured it out pretty quick like! He called Abram to come

in his presence and asked him why he would do such a thing. Why would he lie to

him? I can’t imagine he was asking in a happy tone! And, in fact, it doesn’t even

say where he gave him a chance to respond! I believe he was fit to be tied! You

can just tell by reading Genesis 12:19 the tone of his voice: He finally told him to

just to take his wife, take her and go away. Now! And he then told his men to

make sure that they were all gone him, his wife, and everything he had! He

wanted no trace of him left there! He was soo done with them!

Now Abram and Sarai and Lot, their nephew, had been travelling quite a while

long time. And they were both pretty wealthy. Abram had a lot of cattle and so

did Lot! And they both had their own herdsmen to watch over their cattle. And, as

they would settle in one place, the cattle would need to graze, and it would be

way too much for the amount of land that they would settle on. Unfortunately,

that would cause a bit of “strife” amongst the herdsmen. I think it was more of a

power struggle for who would get the better grazing land or water or more

portions of land for the cattle to graze on! Well, something had to change! This

definitely couldn’t go on! And, again, for Abram to have had to be MADE to make

a drastic decision, this was something that was ongoing. This trouble with the

herdsmen, was probably a daily issue and I’m sure it trickled down to being an

issue with Abram and Lot. And the two of them loved each other. For Lot to leave

his own Mother and Father to travel with his aunt and uncle, knowing that he

would most likely never see them again, shows how much he loved him. He was

his favorite uncle. And now they are making this fuss that they can’t seem to find

an easy solution. And, in all reality, the cattle needed to graze, and they needed

the space. But, in Abram’s heart, he also knew what that meant… that meant

separating from Lot and they had already been through so much together! Abram

knew that if he sent him away so that his cattle could graze elsewhere, he may

never see him again. He would establish his home in that area and Abram would

move on to where the Lord was leading him. And he knew that he may never see

him again. But, as it was, this strife between all of them wasn’t ending and was

most likely only getting worse as the days went on. So, he had to decide that as

much as he loved Lot, and as much as he invested in him, and poured his very life

in him, because remember, at that time, Abram and Sarai didn’t have any children

of their own, so Lot was probably like their own son, they had to give him to the

Lord. They had to decide that their love for him far outweighed hanging on to him

and having all that strife continue! He knew that it was hurting their spirit. It was

hurting Sarai’s spirit; it was most likely hurting Lot’s spirit too. And something had

to change. And so, the day came, Abram loved Lot so much, he let Lot choose

where he wanted to take his cattle and he would take what was left. And,

unfortunately, Lot chose the land closest to Sodom. He looked and saw that it was

what he thought the better land, and he chose it for himself. We know later that

that was a poor decision, He chose selfishly. And we know how that ended up for

him. But Abram obeyed and he GAVE Lot to the Lord! He knew that He had to

weed out the toxicity in his home! Not that Lot was toxic, but his spirit was, and

we know that because of how he chose the land. If he was humble and spirit led,

He would have been thinking to be fair and how to divide the land to where both

of them could have good ground to graze their cattle instead of picking what he

thought was the best. And he then he pitched his tent towards Sodom… hmmm…

He saw all of the temptations ahead and he wanted to look at those, and so do

you think that he was struggling in his heart before they separated? I think that he

was struggling with sin already, and that was causing an issue in their home. So, it

was necessary. And, though it was probably one of Abram’s hardest decisions, at

the time, he knew it had to be done. And he did it! And I’m sure, this was hard on

Abram and Sarai as well to see their nephew leave. Sometimes, the ones we love

and disciple, and pour ourselves into, become a hindrance to our ministry and in

our living for the Lord. Because remember, I said we don’t have to be in the

ministry to Live for the Lord. And, when push comes to shove, we have to give

them to the Lord, so they can hopefully apply the principles that we have

desperately tried to instill in them, and also so that we and our ministry can grow

as well. And, I know that may seem harsh, but how often do we hang onto people

in our church who we keep pouring ourselves into that are now either hurting our

spirit, making us bitter, overwhelming us, exhausting us, stealing our joy, and

sucking the very life out of us, all for what? To do it all over and over and over

again? There is soo much more to our ministry, or to us serving the Lord, than

that one family or person, that needs us! Ok, I will step down from that soap

box... and the reason I can get on that soapbox to begin with, is because I have

been there way too many times myself, and I know this feeling, and it hurts too

much! It’s time to leave them to the Lord and move on the next family or go

soulwinning and find more people to love on! And believe me... I am speaking to

myself first on this! Ok, I’m moving on, maybe. Haha!

And… when Abram did the hard thing, by giving Lot to the Lord... That’s when the

Lord finally said now, I want you to lift up your eyes and look northward and

southward and eastward and westward: for ALL the land which thou seest, to

thee will I give it and to thy seed for ever! And He told him to walk through all of

it for He will give it unto him!!!

Shew! If that doesn’t give you goosebumps to think about! Now, let me just bring

that home a bit. Even if we aren’t in the ministry, we have people in our lives that

tend to hurt us, sometimes they are family, and sometimes they are people we

have gotten close to. And we think that we are helping them get closer to the

Lord, so we let them come close in our lives. We disciple them. We spend time

with them. We bring them along with our family. We invest in them, timewise,

sometimes financially, but mostly, we are investing our hearts. And we make

progress. But then there comes a time, when things seem to get hard, and either

demanding or overwhelming, or stagnant or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe they

become distant all of a sudden, or angry, or argumentative. And this lasts for a

long time, or it’s like a yo yo. It’s good, then it’s bad, then good again, like I said

earlier. Let me let you in on something that a wise preacher told me a long time

ago, when I struggled with this, with a family that had left our church over, what

seemed like a small issue that could have been resolved easily…. He came to our

house, because I was so overwhelmed with grief, and he said to me: Sister, “They

drew their line in the sand!” That’s as far as they were willing to grow in the Lord

and they were not willing to go any further! And they felt like if they stayed, they

were going to feel the Lord pushing them to move beyond their comfort zone! So,

instead of that happening, they were going to make a mountain out of a mole hill

and move away! And this was the perfect opportunity! So, move on to the next

person or family that needs our attention! But all of that to say… When Abram

finally did the hard thing, because you KNOW it wasn’t easy to do that… WOW!

And, I do mean, Wow!!! God Blessed him! How much are we hindering the Lord

from truly blessing us because we think we NEED to keep hanging on to that one

person or family??? Leave them with the Lord! He can do a far better job than we

can! I get goosebumps thinking about this!

Now, here’s a beautiful thing to me. The next thing you read about Abram and

Sarai was about an uproar with the neighboring countries. And the enemy

kidnapped Lot and all of the goods and women and so many other people and

their goods! And one escaped and ran to tell Abram! And, when he heard, he

immediately dropped everything he was doing and pulled 318 of his trained

servants and went to rescue Lot! And that’s exactly what they did! He didn’t even

hesitate! Now, a few things here! It’s beautiful to me because, even though there

was an issue between them and he had to let him go, he was still there for him,

when he needed him. So, when you have to let those that are precious to you go,

it doesn’t mean that you have to just throw them away and never answer their

call again. It just means that you separate from them, move on, and disciple

someone else, but if they need you, you show them love because you never know

if they are going to turn their life around and get right with the lord. We don’t

want to hinder the working of the Holy Spirit! And then, the other thing that I

think of is imagine Sarah was at home pacing the floor, not knowing if her

husband was going to return and also knowing that her beloved nephew was in

the hands of the enemy! But they did win that day! They got the victory! But

though the king wanted to reward him for his efforts, he refused anything, and I

believe he wanted the Lord to always get the glory for all that he had.

Then, God showed Abram in a dream what was going to happen in the future for

the children of Israel.. 400 years of bondage. And of course, he didn’t know

exactly what that meant, but can you imagine? Here he was, he didn’t even have

one child yet, and God promised him a great nation, and then he shows him that!

Like really?? Soo, you promised me this great nation, but we have to spend 400

years in bondage??? hmmm And, this is inevitable, like there isn’t anything he can

do about it. And what is he supposed to do to prepare for it? And, I am a literal

thinker, so I’m like thinking of Abram keeping this information and saying uhhh

ok, so this is something that he has to decide to... what tell everyone? And how

does that conversation go? We’re going to be a great nation, but just so you

know… We’re going to be servants for 400 years at some point. Yeah, uh so we

have to be patient. Haha! Oh goodness, how my brain works! Haha!

Anyway, Sarah then decided that the Lord was taking too long to answer His

promise of a son, so she took matters in her own hands and gave her handmaid to

Abram to conceive for her! And, when she did, Sarah was immediately jealous!

And she’s the one who spun that wheel into action! Sheesh! Ismael was born and

it only brought on more jealousy and bitterness.

And, then when Abram was 99 years old, the Lord appeared unto him and

promised to give them a son! And that was quite the shock for Abram to take in!

And the Lord followed that up with saying he needed to make sure all of the boys

and men were all circumcised! And I’m not going to get very literal because we all

know what that entails, but again. seriously. The amount of faith and devotion

that Abram had to the Lord was amazing! This is also the time that the Lord

changed his and Sarai’s name to Abraham and Sarah. And, of course when the

Lord presented the idea to Sarah, she was equally surprised and in fact laughed

and we all know the story, she denied it and was caught in her lie, but it was

because she was afraid. But think about that for a minute… the Bible clearly says

she was past her time to conceive. So, you can imagine how she felt when this

idea was presented to her! Uhhh yeah, no! I doubt that will happen, Lord! But...

ok what you said! Haha! And, the Lord had to remind her, Is anything too hard for

the Lord? How many times do we need to be reminded of that throughout our

living for the Lord?

And, then immediately after that the Lord told Abraham what he was about to do

to Sodom and Gamorrah, and that was to destroy it because of the immense sin

in the land! And, he had to do it. It was toxic, it was destroying lives, it had to be

removed! But Abraham knew that his nephew was there, and he knew he had

settled there and wanted desperately to save him and his family and I’m sure he

probably knew others there as well. But he didn’t know their hearts and so he

began to intercede for them. And the Lord knew he would and even chose him to

do so. And, the Lord was gracious, he wasn’t a mean God, He wanted to save as

many as He could, but in the end, he settled on 10. And, ultimately, the Lord

ended up destroying Sodom and Gamorrah but Lot and his 2 daughters were the

only ones who came out of there alive. And that had to have been a relief and yet

a heartbreak as well to Abraham and Sarah. To wake up the next morning and see

the smoke rising knowing that all of those people had been lost. And I wonder if

he even had the assurance of his nephew or his daughters were safe.

After that they journeyed south, and Abraham did it again… he didn’t learn his

lesson from years before. He entered the City of Gerar and what did he do? Said

the same old lie… Sara was his sister!! Ugh! Hadn’t she had enough of that? I can’t

imagine how she must have felt. Can you? As a woman, she was more or less

given away to a man that she didn’t know, to be his wife, just to save her husband

from possibly being killed… uhh ok? But that might mean that she might have to

perform wifely duties... if you know what I mean? And, I already said I’m a literal

thinker, so I am thinking she may have been afraid, not knowing if at any moment

she was going to be called into the king’s chambers. And would he be kind? Or is

he mean? And she loved her husband. She, I’m sure didn’t want to be with

another man she didn’t know! What was he thinking??? I’m sure she wasn’t on

board 100% with this plan! And, it didn’t go over well the first time, did he really

think it was such a good thing to do it again?? Ok, so, I know we all love our

husbands, but sometimes they don’t always have the best of ideas, but we have

to be a little creative sometimes to convince them that we should probably think

of a different direction to go with this! And maybe she tried and he was just

stubborn! Whatever the case, I am thinking… deal breaker! Haha! But she had

total devotion to him... truly! But God went to Abimelech, and I love what he told

him in a dream! He told him he was a dead man! He outed Abraham! God told

Abimelech that she was a man’s wife and that he shouldn’t go near her, or He was

going to kill him! Well, that was pretty blunt, I would say! And, goodness, he was

stammering and studdering! He was like I didn’t know! He told me she was his

sister; I was innocent! And the Lord agreed with him and told him to give her back

to her husband and that man is a preacher... and he will pray for you, and he told

him if not he will die! It was serious business! And so, he got up in the morning

and told his men and everyone was very afraid! And he called Abraham and asked

him what on earth have you done to me??? What have I done to you that you

have done this to me? You have done things to me that shouldn’t have been

done? He was soo confused and angry and afraid of the wrath of God! And he

kept pressing him for answers! And I imagine Abraham was embarrassed and

ashamed of his actions... I mean, he was a preacher. The Lord told Abimelech he

was. So, what kind of testimony did he have, right? And all he could come up with

was a lame excuse! Because he thought that they were wicked people… he was

judging them. And, that they would kill him because his wife was so beautiful!

And, then... he went on to make an even more silly excuse by saying well, she is

kind of my sister… this is the daughter of my father but not the daughter of my

mother, so she is kind of my sister, I wasn’t “really” lying. Hmm… really? But she is

my wife too. BROTHER!!! And, then he went on to tell him that he convinced her

because she loved him, to tell everyone that she was his sister. And, honestly,

Abimelech was still just afraid of the wrath of God, I think he didn’t really care

what Abraham was saying. He just started giving him all of these gifts and said go

live wherever you want.. just wherever you want... he was that afraid that the

lord would kill him! And, after all of the gift giving Abraham prayed for healing of

his kingdom and they were all restored to good health!

And finally, God opened up Sarah womb and Isaac was born! Yay! They were so

happy! That is until she saw Ismael mocking her son, and then she got angry and

wanted Hagar and her son to leave! And this hurt Abraham so much, because it

was his son, and he probably did have some feeling for Hagar as well. But he did

what Sarah wanted and brought her some bread and water and sent her away!

But the Lord did reassure Abraham that He would bless Ishamel as well because

he was his son too. So, I’m sure this gave him some comfort.

And time went by, the Bible doesn’t say how many years, but God did test

Abraham one more time by asking him to take Isaac to Mount Moriah and offer

him there for a burnt offering. And, it doesn’t say if he struggled with this

decision, but I imagine he didn’t get much sleep that night! And, it doesn’t say

that he even mentioned it to his wife! I can’t begin to wonder if he even consulted

with her about that one. I think if he did, she might have just had a thing or two to

say about that decision! I mean, she had gone almost a hundred years waiting for

God to give her that son, and now Abraham is saying that He came to him and

said he was to sacrifice him on a burnt offering??? Ummm I would have to

wonder if he was losing his mind! Maybe he was just overthinking! There was just

NO WAY this could be correct! So, I have to think, that this was a conversation

that didn’t happen between the two of them ahead of time. Because I think that

she would have probably had him committed, if there was such a thing at the

time! Haha! We all know the story of what happened on that Mount, and how the

Lord did provide a sacrifice other than Isaac, Praise the Lord! But now can you

imagine coming home that day? He had to tell his wife the whole story! Hmmm…

someone might have been sleeping in the doghouse that night! Isaac might have

been the one to run to his mom first, excited about the miracle that took place!

But Abraham, ultimately had some explaining to do. Imagine all of the questions

she had. All of the insecurities she might have had from that! Could she ever trust

her husband again? Could she ever trust God? What about her son? I know he

was probably excited but, what about at night, when he would dream, would he

have nightmares of his father raising that knife above him about to kill him?

Would that drive a wedge in their marriage once and for all? So many things make

me put myself in Sarah’s shoes, to ask those questions. We don’t know if any of

these things went on of course, the Bible doesn’t say. But I do wonder if this was

the straw that broke the camel’s back! Because, the very next chapter, it talks

about her death and burial. I wonder if the stress of all of the years of things that

they had endured took a toll on her body and it just couldn’t take one more thing!

I just don’t know. But I’m a woman, and I know she wasn’t perfect, and she

wasn’t without any emotions. And, though the Bible doesn’t tell us every emotion

that she had, I think it’s safe to say, she wasn’t always happy with the things that

went on in the ministry that she and Abraham had. Nor do I think that she was

always miserable either. I think that they built a life together that was fulfilling.

And, they had their ups and downs, and the Bible gives us stories of a lot of their

downs, but she did have her son, and she did get to raise him for at least 27 years.

And, even before that, I believe that she had a special bond with her husband.

She was fully devoted to him. She stuck by him through thick and thin. And, I also

have to believe that she had an incredible walk with the Lord. With all of the ups

and downs that she went through with her husband. She knew that God had that

promise in place for them and even though it might not be fully fulfilled in their

lifetime, she didn’t give up. She definitely had many reasons to, but she didn’t.

She just kept going. And, I imagine she had a place like my boat landing, that she

did her fair share of yelling out to the Lord and He heard her cries. He protected

her and through her faithfulness to stay even when it got hard. God was able to

make a great nation through their seed. The Bible says that Sarah was 127 years

old when she died. And the Bible says that her father-in-law was 205 when he

passed. I think she probably had several more years to go, but maybe the stress of

Living for the Lord was hard on her. And took some years from her. But, I dare say

she wouldn’t trade any of it. Because now she can see the whole picture! She can

see the great nation that God promised way back then. And she didn’t give up she

didn’t miss the best of the best.

We don’t always know why God allows the muck and the hardships and the

trauma and the stretching and the pain. He does sandwich it beautifully with

great wonders, blessings upon blessings. Mountains and valleys! But, living for the

Lord is hard, but you can’t quit, you’ll surely miss the best of the best! God has a

promise for all of us! For Abraham, he told him he was going to make him a great

nation. But it wasn’t right away. We may not see the impact we have with what

our pain is now in our lifetime either, but we still don’t want to give up and have

someone else miss out on the blessings that the Lord has for them because of the

footprints we are leaving for them now.

Again, living for the Lord has many mountains and valleys. It’s not an easy road,

but don’t give up, or you will miss the best of the best!