IF NOT! - Heather Wells
Luke 22:42
“Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”
We all have dreams, desires, and plans for our lives, but what if things don’t go according to how we planned?
On September 17, 2010, I married the man of my dreams, and we were very excited to begin life together. We had plans to start a family and prayed for God to give us the desire of our hearts. Four months flew by. On January 19, 2011, we found out that God had answered our prayers! We were expecting! To say we were thrilled would be and understatement! We began thanking God for this precious gift he had given us and began to make plans. Excitement filled our tiny apartment! Who would our baby look like? Would it be a boy or a girl? Whose personality would it have? So many more questions consumed our thoughts each day. We already loved this special baby that God had given us! This was a dream come true! Now how were we going to announce it to our parents? We had to keep it to ourselves for a few weeks since some family was out of town. However, things did not happen as planned. We ended up calling them to tell them that we were expecting but had starting having complications and were headed to the ER. Unfortunately, I lost the baby early February. So many emotions overcame us. This was not our plan! This is not what we prayed for! Though we were overcome with grief, God was bringing us closer together as a couple. My husband was amazing through it all and tenderly cared for me. I did not know until a few weeks after the miscarriage that he would cry in the car on his way home from work so he could be strong for me. As much as I appreciated that, I assured him that it was ok if he needed to cry. (I had experienced watching my Dad and Mom go through the grief of losing my three year old sister when I was a child and learned from that that everyone handles grief differently.) Though those days were tough and filled with grief, God strengthened our marriage. We would listen to songs about Heaven, read the Bible together and listen to sermons.
Years passed and God still hadn’t chosen to answer our prayer for a child. One day, I mentioned to my husband about adoption. At the time, we had been married three years, and he wanted to wait until we had been married for five years. So I prayed and told the Lord that if He wanted us to adopt, He would have to drop it in our laps. Low and behold, He did just that about a year after praying that prayer! I received a phone call from a pastor’s wife. She knew we were praying for children and asked if we would be interested in adopting a baby. I listened to the information about the situation, then politely told her no. I remembered what my husband had said, and it hadn’t been five years. I will never forget the conversation that was to follow with my husband. We were about to head out of town that morning so he was casually packing when he asked me what that phone call was about. When I explained to him that it was about and adoption, I told him that I told her no because of the statement he had made months ago about waiting. I was shocked when he said, “Maybe we should at least pray about it. Hurriedly, I called the lady back to inform her that we would pray about it and let her know in a week. What perfect timing! We were going on vacation and could spend this time thinking and praying about adopting. After receiving some counsel and praying about it, our hearts were open, and we said yes! So many things would take place over the next couple weeks. The baby was due in TWO months! As the weeks progressed, so did our love for this little baby. The moment we had been praying for, our dream of becoming parents was finally going to become true…so we thought. A few days before the baby was due, we received news that the birth mom was now considering a local family as well as us. That most definitely was not the news that we expected to hear! We had prepared for this baby, loved this baby and now this? Once again, this was NOT our plan! The day before the baby was born, we received the news that we were dreading. At the last moment, she chose a different family.Two months of dreaming, praying and planning turned into heartbreak. It was almost like a miscarriage all over again!
A year some how flew by, and we were once again asked about and adoption opportunity. Here we stood again, but this time, we knew about the heartache of a failed adoption. We prayed about it and decided to say YES! Imagine our surprise and excitement when we found out that it was TWIN boys! Let the shopping begin for all things matching! What fun! Now we would not have just one baby to love, but TWO! We took adoption announcement photos and surprised our families with the news. Our families and church family was elated and so supportive. However, months went by and things did not seem right. God closed the door. Now we were left with a nursery and all the baby gear for twins but no babies!
Fast forward another year and another adoption! But this time, we decided not to say anything to anyone right away. This time was so much different. We actually met with the birth mom twice and took her to our adoption attorney. Our adoption attorney is the top in our area and does a phenomenal job! They spent a couple hours with us as well as the birth mom separately. The meetings seemed to go well, and the birth mom was so excited for us to adopt her baby. She stayed in touch with us over the next week, but then stopped communicating with us. How could this be? Things seemed so different since we actually met her in person! Though it was discouraging, we continued to just serve the Lord.
Some would say, “Are you sure you are supposed to adopt?” So we would pray about it and every time, God would one way or another show us that we were right where He wanted us.
A year came and went again, and a friend reached out to me about adopting a baby. The birth mom actually knew me in-law family, and we were able to talk with her. She wanted us to adopt her baby, but was having a difficult time making that decision. (Understandably so) It was a few weeks before Christmas that year, and she didn’t want to make a final decision until after the new year. So once again, we waited. We decided to keep this to ourselves and just pray. It was so hard not to get our hopes up. We had been down this road already. The new year came and went and no word from her. In July of that year, while at teen camp, that same birth mom reached out to me. She had had the baby. He was about two months old and as adorable as ever! She wanted us to adopt him. Her health wasn’t the greatest since she had been diagnosed with cancer and physically felt that she could not adequately car for him. I was about to have some alone time with my husband to tell him. We cried and were once again excited. Could this be our baby we have been praying for? We contacted our attorney as well as and adoption attorney in the mom’s state. She readily agreed to meet with them but her husband was having a hard time. A few days went by, and we never heard from her again. We were left broken hearted again. Each time we tell ourselves not to get our hopes up and yet somehow our hearts can’t help but love!
Though I do not understand why God has chosen this for our lives, I do know that God has a plan for our lives, and He is always only good! I can either fight God’s plan as this definitely was not MY plan for my life when we were first married, or I can choose to trust God and serve Him… If Not!
The past nine years of our marriage has been a roller coster ride full of emotions longing to have a child." But IF NOT, WILL I CHOOSE TO LOVE HIM ANYWAYS? BUT IF NOT, WILL HE STILL BE WORTHY OF MY PRAISE? HIS GREAT GLORY I’LL PROCLAIM IF HE DELIVERS FROM THE FLAME, BUT WILL I SERVE HIM JUST THE SAME, IF NOT? WHAT IF HIS WILL IS NOT TO GRANT MY HEART’S DESIRE IN ORDER TO BRING GLORY TO HIS SON? I KNOW THAT I WILL PRAISE HIM IF HE ANSWERS, AND WHEN HIS HAND OF BLESSING CAN BE SEEN, BUT IF NOT, I WILL CHOOSE TO LOVE HIM ANYWAYS, I WILL SERVE HIM JUST THE SAME IF NOT!
I honestly hesitated even sharing this. I know that there are others reading this that have been through even more than I have, but I hope and pray that it can be blessing to someone!
Will you choose to love and serve Him just the same…………IF NOT! He is worthy of our praise! Lamentations 3:22-2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO_DdiLjL6I&t=11s