It is mid morning. I woke up over an hour ago with my back hurting from sleeping. This is when you know your life is on the decline. I hit my mountain top peak physically in my twenties and now my age is sledding down that mountain at full speed with wreckless abandon. I shoved my 14 week old contacts into my eyeballs as I checked my text messages, one being from my eye doctor saying I'm 2 years over due for my vision screening, but I hate being dilated and honestly just the thought of carving out time to sit and be checked out is a nuisance. Hard pass.

I sneak past all the kids rooms, as to not stir them and start the whirlwind of chaos before I get my coffee & Bible time. It takes me a solid 30 minutes just to talk myself into reading today. I know you're much more spiritual than I, and you've read 14 chapters and studied the whole of revelations in depth, but I am reading Psalm 107 for the 3rd day in a row, because it's having trouble sticking. The first 2 days I was so tired I had to reread the first few verses over and over because I forgot what it was even about by the 5th verse, or I was going cross eyed from sheer tiredness. I open my Bible and read my own notes surrounding other Psalms and laugh at how lame I am, in the top left corner it reads "check yourself before you wreck yourself" and on the right middle it says "think of the ship in the movie frozen on the waves in the storm" Like really... that's the best reference I could relate to? I should write a stinking commentary.

The kids are awake and begging for tv shows and food now. 30 minutes later after I've bent my will to their wishes, I open my Bible again. Verse 22 peaks my interest, "let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving and declare his works with rejoicing" I know there are legit thanksgiving offerings but i dont know, the fact that it says that thanksgiving is in itself the offering makes me think. It is a sacrifice to get off the "woe is me" train, or the "I want/need" wagon, and actually be grateful for what I already have.

Then I read about these guys who get on some ships to sell some merch. They get in some big seas, and then it says "He (God) commandeth and raiseth up the stormy wind". Another nugget pops in the old noggin... The storm wasn't by chance. God saw the men on the sea and still said, ya I'm gonna give 'em a wide ride. He obviously thought they needed to learn something or at least see something. (because it mentions in verse 24 "these see the works of the Lord and his wonders in the deep") It says that they mount up to the heavens and go down again to the deep (if it helps you, think of the super sad scene in frozen, not so stupid now huh!) It says these people are tossed to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man. Their soul is melted and they are at their wit's end. I can totally relate. My soul feels like my secret stash of chocolate melting in my van on a hot summer day. I feel like life is beating on my ship and I'm struggling to reach the wheel or sails or whatever controls a boat, but I'm being thrown back and forth. My favorite thing in this verse though is the wit's end bit. I looked that up, and it basically means they've reached the end of what their skill can do. I felt a little Holy Spirit on that one. That's SO me. My very basic and insufficient skill set has done it's best and still drastically fallen short.

Ya'll get ready for the best news. They cry to the Lord and in the same sentence, he brings them out of their distresses. He makes the storm calm and the waves still. "They are glad because they be in quiet" [Amen, am I right?! ] "So he bringeth them into their desired haven." If I want quiet, if I want a calm day and still waves, and if I have any hope to make it to my desired haven in one peace without losing my freaking mind... I have to realize I'm at the end of my capabilities and I have to just cry out, while I'm flat out crying and let God do what I cannot. The reason we get so frustrated is because we are trying to work this junk out on our own, I don't need to regain control of the ship on these crazy waves of life and motherhood. I just need to let the master of the wind and waves do his thing!