I Can't - Kristy Miller

Have you ever heard the verse “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” Philippians 4:13? Of course you have! I dare say almost every person reading this could quote that verse from memory. I memorized this verse as a very young child yet still – on the daily – I find myself saying “I can’t” – about good things – things that God wants me to do or help me through. 

I can’t share a devotion…I can’t teach that class, I can absolutely NOT NEVER EVER be a pastor’s wife (and yes, I know that’s bad grammar, but I’ve said it). I’m pretty sure I am not the only person knows Philippians 4:13 and the other promises of God’s Word but still struggles sometimes with, “I can’t”. Maybe yours is - I can’t have a child with cancer, I can’t pay these bills, I can’t raise my kids alone, I can’t give up my Saturdays to work on a bus route, I can’t care for my aging parents when they don’t even recognize me, I can’t afford to tithe, I can’t homeschool, I can’t pay these bills…

I hope and pray that through reading some of my personal “I cant’s” that God has helped me overcome, that you can find encouragement in a current or even future struggle you may be facing. 

One of my biggest struggles was when I was a senior in high school. I had the privilege of being born into a Christian home, went to a great church my entire life and had wonderful Christian parents, preachers, and teachers that taught me the Bible and how God wanted me to live. In spite of church 4 times a week, Christian education, chapel services, family devotion, etc., I still wasn't really sold out on this whole living for Jesus thing. I had watched several people graduate from our Christian school and immediately begin doing the complete opposite of what we had been taught our entire lives.

I had really been questioning things, but then I went to a youth conference. The preacher preached about surrendering and the Lord got ahold of my heart like never before. It finally clicked for me that I was God’s and I needed to let Him have control of my life. I went to the altar and surrendered almost everything to God that night. I remember thinking "God, I'll do anything you want me to do, but I cannot marry a preacher!" -  Surely he knew that, right?!?  

For some reason I had this picture in my mind of what a preacher's wife was supposed to be, and I wasn't those things at all! -  Meek, quiet, able to run and organize ladies’ meetings and Bible studies, wonderful cook and hostess, definitely had to have the entire Bible memorized, know every single answer to every counselling question, must shake every person's hand at every single church service.

I had had several different pastor's wives who weren't all those things. They were all different, but wonderful - It was just the devil lying to me and trying to discourage me from following the Lord.

I go on to meet this wonderful guy at Bible college. We become great friends, and I feel like God is telling me this is the man he wants me to marry. But God, Tim feels called to be an assistant PASTOR.  I can't marry a preacher! But I was reminded of Philippians 4:13, and decided that with God's help I would try. We married March 1, 2002 and about 2 years later we moved and Tim took his 1st job as a full time assistant pastor. I was so sick nervous that 1st Sunday. God was so very good and helped me so much. 

Not long after that move I faced another "I can't".  All my life I had dreamed about becoming a mom. From the time I was a little girl I had prayed for, dreamed about and even named my future children. I wanted a big family but 5 years into our marriage and no kids, we were beginning to think it might not work out for us. Finally, the day came -  A positive pregnancy test! We were thrilled and immediately started telling all our friends and family that had been praying for us. I don't know why, but I just kept waiting for something to go wrong. I prayed every day, “Lord please don't let us lose this baby.” We went in for our 1st ultrasound at 8 1/2 weeks and we're told, "There's your baby but we can't find a heartbeat."  Again, Lord, I can't! I can't go back and tell all those people that we were just celebrating with that, Oh - Never mind.   I can't listen and smile to all their well-meaning, but often hurtful comments. I hid in my bedroom for a while, yelled at God a little that I can't, but He so sweetly said to me -  My grace is sufficient for thee:  For my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 12:9 - and He did ever prove it true. 

I went on to face several more I cant’s - pastor's leaving, working without a paycheck, surgery's, church splits, infertility treatments, but through all that God blessed us with a son. Then after 4 1/2 years another son. Then came one of my most difficult I cant’s.  

God had blessed us with a baby boy number 3. He was born on a Saturday, beautiful, strong and healthy, but a few hours after birth started struggling to breathe. They took him to the nursery to give him oxygen and keep a closer eye on him. On Sunday my husband left to teach Sunday school, lead the choir, etc., and soon after my nurse came and told me that our baby was really struggling and would have to be transported to a children's hospital. The doctor came in a few minutes later to let me know that Dawson's lungs had collapsed and that he wasn't stable enough to transport. She said the children's hospital team was on their way and would hopefully be able to reinflate his lungs and get him stable. I could not wrap my head around this. (I had just given birth 24 hours prior and hadn’t slept the night before) The doctor was visibly shaken so I said "Dr., I need you to tell me if my baby is going to die. I need to get his Daddy here."  Her eyes welled up with tears and she replied, Honey, I just don't know. Get him her because I just don't know. Definitely a big I CAN'T!  I was alone and my baby might not make it. The nurses started to prepare me for early discharge so I could go with my baby if he was able to be transported. Praise the Lord my godly dad walked in and started making phone calls asking people to pray. Just a few minutes later they came in with an update that they were able to reinflate the lungs and my sweet boy was ready to be moved. He spent a week in NICU with tubes everywhere, days of not holding him, wondering if he was going to be OK. I had a delayed postpartum hemorrhage a week after giving birth and an emergency bedside D&C. That week was just an entire week of I can't, I can't, I CAN'T.  One thing in particular that stands out happened when they were loading my baby into the ambulance. My best friend was standing there with me and said, "I can't believe how well you're keeping it together."  That was only because when I was yelling, God I can't, I can't, with the help of the prayers of his people I could hear God saying, " Fear thou not for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God, I will strengthen thee yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Psalm 41:10

Praise the Lord our boy recovered quickly and has been happy and healthy ever since.

I had barely recovered from that when I came to another I can't. My husband came to me and told me that he knew God now wanted him to become a full time pastor. WHAT?!?  It had taken 10 years but I was finally starting to believe that God could help me be an assistant pastor's wife, but this. Ummm, No, thank you, God.  It's not only that, but the church he felt God had for us was in the one place I had told God I'd never want to live. It's flat and ugly, it's an ugly, the people are weird and it's almost 10 hours away from my beloved Kentucky mountains and all my people. (I know I sound like a brat, but I really love Kentucky and I had lived there since birth) Sooo, God is asking me to be a pastor's wife, leave my home and family and start over in the middle of nowhere where I know no one. "God, I can't and I ain't."  But again, God started talking and He’s kind of hard to argue with. In Joshua 1:9 He says, have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."  As I follow the moving truck into this strange little town where many of our precious new church members were waiting to help us unload I once again told God I can't do this. I can't be what they deserve. But God said, “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee he will not fail thee nor forsake thee. Deuteronomy 31:6

Just one more. This I can't started the day after Thanksgiving 2016 with a physical pain that sent me to the ER. It turned out to be a gallbladder attack. To make a long story short, the doctor went from well you're probably going to have to have surgery to, oh never mind, congratulations - You're pregnant! 

We were so surprised but so thankful! Even though I had gone on to have three healthy babies since I lost my first one I still had that fear of miscarriage so I was really careful. Careful to take the right vitamins, eat and drink the right things, careful with physical activity. Because of my prior complications this pregnancy was considered high risk so we were seeing the doctor fairly often.

My first few appointments went great. There was nothing like hearing the sound of that strong healthy heartbeat. We went in for our 12-week appointment and we were so excited - hoping to maybe find out the gender. They took us from doppler, to ultrasound, to another ultrasound before confirming the fear that had been growing in my heart as they moved us from room to room. There's your baby but there's no heartbeat. 

No way! We had just seen that beautiful little miracle wiggling around and heard that strong little heartbeat days ago! I can't do this again God! I can't watch my boys’ hearts break as I tell them we are not having a baby after all. 

They tell me I have to have a D&C. Going in for that was one of the hardest things I've ever done - I can't answer the nurse when she asks me would you like the remains cremated or would you like us to dispose of them? I can't go pick up that teeny tiny bag of ashes from the crematorium and figure out what to do with my baby - Again Lord, why…I thought I learned this lesson years ago. I can't do this again God but He said… 

Psalm 23:4 “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

The surgery was pretty complicated and took several months to recover. So many times I told God I can't, I don't have the strength...again He said… 

II Corinthians 12:10 “Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities and reproaches, in necessities, and persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak then am I strong.”

I've shared five or six of my “I cant’s” and there are so many more, but God has proven time and time again that with HIS help I can. Philippians 4:13

Even though He's so faithful to show up with such an amazing grace, strength and peace…I still tend to fear, doubt and stress every single time I face a new trial or test. Maybe you are much stronger than me, you pull up your big girl underoos and say “I've got this,” but how much easier would your trial be if you would just let God have it and do what He wants to do in your life. 

After my surgery the doctor told us that we were blessed to have the children we have and that to try and have anymore would be too risky. God however did not agree and blessed us with a precious baby girl about a year and a half later. As she grew into a toddler she fell in love with suckers. If there was one within a mile of her, she seemed to find it. She would get so excited and immediately start eating it wrapper and all. If I would try to get it away from her she would throw a fit! All I wanted to do was get the wrapper off. Obviously the wrapper is not good for her, and it tastes a lot better without the wrapper, but she would just fight me and jerk and cry. 

I feel like we are just like that with our burdens and doubts. We fight and cry and try to handle it on our own and God is there just waiting for us to let it go. Give our burden to Him, surrender our will and He will make things so much easier and more pleasant for us. I've heard it said so often that faith and fear cannot walk together. 

II Timothy 1:7 reminds us of this, “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.”

This makes me think of those intense scenes in the movies when someone's dangling on the edge of a building or a cliff and the hero is there reaching out his hand saying “Let Go and grab my hand - I've got you” - But that person is slipping and they're holding on for dear life to their fear instead of grabbing onto that strong hand of faith.

What is your “I can't” that God is wanting to help you through? What is your “I can't” that God is wanting to help you DO? 

I can't tithe? I already can't pay my bills. 

I can't win anyone to the Lord. 

I can't teach a Sunday school class. 

I can't raise my dress standards; people will make fun of me. 

I can't trust the Lord to give me a better job so I don’t have to work during church. 

I can't commit to that ministry, I'm just too busy. 

Matthew 13:58 says “And He did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief.” 

Don't let your fear limit God. 

Matthew 17:20 says if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you shall say unto this mountain remove hence to yonder place and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. 

If you will let God have your “I cant’s” and turn them into “He cans”, He will do amazing things through you.