James 1:2-4: 

2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; 3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Patience…. My least favorite word of all time.  So many “well meaning” people have tried to be an “encouragement” to me over the years by saying things like, “God will bring you just the right man, you just have to be patient” or “God will show you what He wants for your future, you just have to be patient”.  I know that all of this was done with a well-meaning heart, but, unfortunately all I could see were people who, from all outward appearances, never had to be “patient” for anything (at least not for long periods of time).  They were married at an age that I thought I would have been married at. They had beautiful homes, that, as a single teacher in the ministry, I would have never dreamed of having. They were having children, and raising their families for the Lord, and on and on my thoughts went.  It always made me go back to the lyrics of a song: 

You’ve been on a long and lonely road
And at times you’ve felt cheated to have to bear this load
While others who have barely even tried
Would spread their wings like eagles and soar into the sky

I felt like everyone’s life was going better than mine, and I couldn’t understand why.  My life felt so unfulfilled. Year after year passed by, without God giving me the husband and family that my heart so desired. I still didn’t have a “home”, since, as a single teacher in a Christian school, I did not have the means to have a home of my own, and spent many years renting anything from a room to a small apartment.  I loved serving the Lord in full time ministry, but I was losing my joy. I didn’t recognize it for a long time, but, it was because I let pride and envy slip into my heart.  I began looking more at what God was giving others, and less time seeing what He was doing for me each and every day.  I spent so many years as 2 different people.  I was the person that did all I could to serve the Lord by serving others, all the while wondering when my life was going to start.  This caused a lot of avoidable heartache over the years.  Proverbs 3:5-6, “5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”, was a verse I went to often, as well as James 1:2-4, and knew that I should take heed to God’s Word, but I wasn’t.  I wasn’t “leaning on Him”. I was leaning on my own strengths and abilities.  It took many different changes to happen over the years for me to see what God saw the whole time.  God did not leave me to just fend for myself, while He blessed others, He wanted me to see that He had been blessing me all along.  

It became clear to me that I was NOT trusting in the Lord like I thought I was.  I found that I was always comparing myself to who others were, what ministry positions they had, the husbands and family they had, and all the other “good stuff” I saw going on in their lives. This made me miss what God had for me. I wasn’t even giving Him the chance to show me all He had in store for me, because, in my pride, I was looking at others.  

James 1:6

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. 

It was me the entire time.  I was wavering.  Not that I think that God would have just given me all my wants and desires when I wanted them. But I was not seeing what He did have in store for me.  Once I stopped, and allowed God to show me all He had for me, I was able to have peace. It also has helped me realize that all those people that I thought had it SO easy, and didn’t have to have the patience that I felt God was asking of me, were struggling in their own ways.   In my human flesh, I was letting Satan rob me of the joy that God had for me.  

God has used many verses in my life over the years to point to trusting Him.  I looked at it like He was just telling me to be patient, when He was wanting me to trust.

Instead of Patience and Pride, God was wanting Trust and Obey.  It took many years for me to learn this.  I wish I would have listened sooner. But, I am finding that I can now use my experiences to help and encourage others.  Not by telling them to be patient, but by helping them see that God has a different plan for each of us. And, instead of letting pride ruin what God has for us, we can lean on Him, for He has the ability to carry ALL of our burdens.  

A verse I have clung to over the past few years is, Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”   I don’t need to know why, I just need to know the One I can turn to and trust!!!